A Day to Remember that Harbors Resentment
(A very Unhealthy Habit for an Unhealthy Future)

Six years ago; October 31st, 2010, my beloved father took an unexplained fall and hit his head on a hardwood floor of the house that he shared with his wife of 10 years; twelve years his junior, who seemed to be quite perplexed as to the reason for his fall in the first place.

Due to the amazing incredible health he endured at 89 years young; he stood to beat all the odds and came through with just slight right brain damage that created similar symptoms as dementia but was doing everything he could to beat the odds with that too. Unfortunately it was the side of the brain that was reserved for judgment; reasoning, reading and writing and at which time there was no other recourse but for him to be declared incompetent before he would unknowingly take an ax to all that he’d worked so hard for all his life.

Teaching his GREAT grandchildren a bit of chess! (Before his fall)

This type of brain damage and the type of injury he sustained created mini heart attacks and strokes that were overcome with the proper meds. My father never took medication for anything and this was very hard on his body; taking so much in such a short period of time. Especially the seizure meds; those alone were very dangerous to say the least. Causing many more problems than what he was dealing with and needed to be monitored very closely.

My children with their grandpa after he fell…….still going strong…..before he went home to play like he was sixteen again!!

At this time now, he was enjoying life to its fullest and was basically using the brain of a teenager. Who wouldn’t want a chance to feel like that again? He took up smoking again; like he did when he was in the war and hadn’t smoked for over 65 years. He began to drink alcohol until he got drunk even though the mixture with the medications he was taking was a recipe for disaster. All the while his wife was allowing all of this to take place; a midst the advice from his doctors; and his family and friends couldn’t do anything about it.

Getting so much better…..during the time of his much enjoyment with my brother’s healthy visits!

The closeness my father and I shared up until that fateful day began to fade away into the distance to where I just couldn’t see or feel it anymore. After all who was this man? My dad was in there somewhere.

After the loss of my mother in 1988; my father married a second wife that also passed away only to be thrown into the arms of the last wife on his journey.

Finally; on November 20, 2012 my father passed away at the Hospice in our hometown in Florida. But the unfortunate part was that there existed a loophole in the legal system regarding spouses of 10 years or more. And she took it upon herself to disengage from the advice of his doctors; which was for him to go to a nursing facility or a rehab clinic for a few days to adjust his meds that weren’t agreeing with him; she found a better place for him for free! Hospice of the Comforter; a place for terminally ill patients to go to die peacefully and to go be with God.

And Medicare would pay for it! The other facilities that were suggested would have to be paid by insurance and out of pocket expenses and not be free to the patient.

As his friends and family began to scramble to see what they could do to not only understand what was going on but to get him out of there…..his wife put a ban on any of them to visit until he was too far gone and then she lifted the ban. He put up a fight when he was admitted and it took several men to hold him down and to shoot him up with the first of dozens of daily shots of morphine…and was labeled as “Failure to Thrive”. And the worst part was that the doctor on staff labeled him as having the terminal illness of “psoriasis of the liver” for the record. None of his medical records showed anything of the sort; even his primary care physician didn’t have knowledge of that. He was left to die; with no food or water or any kind of IV and was never sent to the hospital. He didn’t have a terminal disease and was just cruelly left to die. Our hands were tied around his wife’s decisions to kill him off!

And this same Hospice was sued by the Feds only months before for Medicare Malpractice and won the case; settling out of court; whereas Hospice was forced to make restitution to Medicare for all the money they took illegally.

After our long court battle with Probate that lasted a total of 2 years; the wife wins 30% of his Estate of what my dad didn’t want her to have because of the loophole in the system. While I’m struggling to keep his Legacy alive; it’s not easy to be in debt; when he NEVER was in his life.

As you read this; I’m sure you can empathize with the harboring resentment and anger that I still have after all these years. It attacks me every day; especially when I’m operating his business on a shoestring budget and hanging on for dear life.

SO THIS IS WHAT I’VE LEARNED:

Resentments embody a basic choice to refuse to forgive, an unwillingness to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. We review and rehash our painful past, even as we profess to want to let go of it. We do so because we believe the illusion that by belaboring our resentment, we will somehow achieve the justice we believe we are due. We cling to a futile need to be “right,” which overrides the capacity to heal and be at peace with ourselves. We hang on to perceived offences because we don’t know any other way of coming to grips with painful feelings of hurt and abandonment. We need to learn to let go of resentment, because living with it can only bring us chronic punishment and pain, and prevent us from building up other relationships based on love, nurture, and support. Letting go of a resentment is not a gift to the person you resent. It is, rather, a gift to yourself.

Fortunately, there are ways to get out of resentment’s crippling grip. There are alternative, life-affirming, and healthy responses that will help you achieve freedom from obsessing about past injustices. There are choices you may not realize are available to you. How can you learn to get out from under these toxic feelings? Take the following suggestions to heart and you’ll be on your way.

10 Steps to Letting Go of Resentment

1. Approach resentment as the addictive state of mind it is.
2. Realize that you are using resentment to replicate old dramas and acknowledge that you cannot change the past.
3. Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life with people from your past.
4. Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have rejected you.
5. Recognize that your resentment gives you only illusions of strength. Instead, highlight and validate your real strength and power.
6. Learn to identify signals that provoke resentment. Apply the acronym HALT, widely used in 12-step programs: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.
7. Practice cognitive behavioral techniques to stop indulging in resentment. Put a thought between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them.
8. Acknowledge your part in allowing the abuse to occur, forgive yourself for that, and make a decision to not let it occur again.
9. Declare an amnesty with the person you resent and with yourself.
10. Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to the people you resent.

Remember: Your mind is like a magnifying glass. Whatever you focus on will expand. Do you want to focus on resentment, or forgiveness? Which one, do you believe, will ultimately make you feel (and live) better?

GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING

Stay tuned for Day 5 – “Lessons Learned”

Valerie