A Day to Remember that Harbors Resentment
(A very Unhealthy Habit for an Unhealthy Future)

Six years ago; October 31st, 2010, my beloved father took an unexplained fall and hit his head on a hardwood floor of the house that he shared with his wife of 10 years; twelve years his junior, who seemed to be quite perplexed as to the reason for his fall in the first place.

Due to the amazing incredible health he endured at 89 years young; he stood to beat all the odds and came through with just slight right brain damage that created similar symptoms as dementia but was doing everything he could to beat the odds with that too. Unfortunately it was the side of the brain that was reserved for judgment; reasoning, reading and writing and at which time there was no other recourse but for him to be declared incompetent before he would unknowingly take an ax to all that he’d worked so hard for all his life.

Teaching his GREAT grandchildren a bit of chess! (Before his fall)

This type of brain damage and the type of injury he sustained created mini heart attacks and strokes that were overcome with the proper meds. My father never took medication for anything and this was very hard on his body; taking so much in such a short period of time. Especially the seizure meds; those alone were very dangerous to say the least. Causing many more problems than what he was dealing with and needed to be monitored very closely.

My children with their grandpa after he fell…….still going strong…..before he went home to play like he was sixteen again!!

At this time now, he was enjoying life to its fullest and was basically using the brain of a teenager. Who wouldn’t want a chance to feel like that again? He took up smoking again; like he did when he was in the war and hadn’t smoked for over 65 years. He began to drink alcohol until he got drunk even though the mixture with the medications he was taking was a recipe for disaster. All the while his wife was allowing all of this to take place; a midst the advice from his doctors; and his family and friends couldn’t do anything about it.

Getting so much better…..during the time of his much enjoyment with my brother’s healthy visits!

The closeness my father and I shared up until that fateful day began to fade away into the distance to where I just couldn’t see or feel it anymore. After all who was this man? My dad was in there somewhere.

After the loss of my mother in 1988; my father married a second wife that also passed away only to be thrown into the arms of the last wife on his journey.

Finally; on November 20, 2012 my father passed away at the Hospice in our hometown in Florida. But the unfortunate part was that there existed a loophole in the legal system regarding spouses of 10 years or more. And she took it upon herself to disengage from the advice of his doctors; which was for him to go to a nursing facility or a rehab clinic for a few days to adjust his meds that weren’t agreeing with him; she found a better place for him for free! Hospice of the Comforter; a place for terminally ill patients to go to die peacefully and to go be with God.

And Medicare would pay for it! The other facilities that were suggested would have to be paid by insurance and out of pocket expenses and not be free to the patient.

As his friends and family began to scramble to see what they could do to not only understand what was going on but to get him out of there…..his wife put a ban on any of them to visit until he was too far gone and then she lifted the ban. He put up a fight when he was admitted and it took several men to hold him down and to shoot him up with the first of dozens of daily shots of morphine…and was labeled as “Failure to Thrive”. And the worst part was that the doctor on staff labeled him as having the terminal illness of “psoriasis of the liver” for the record. None of his medical records showed anything of the sort; even his primary care physician didn’t have knowledge of that. He was left to die; with no food or water or any kind of IV and was never sent to the hospital. He didn’t have a terminal disease and was just cruelly left to die. Our hands were tied around his wife’s decisions to kill him off!

And this same Hospice was sued by the Feds only months before for Medicare Malpractice and won the case; settling out of court; whereas Hospice was forced to make restitution to Medicare for all the money they took illegally.

After our long court battle with Probate that lasted a total of 2 years; the wife wins 30% of his Estate of what my dad didn’t want her to have because of the loophole in the system. While I’m struggling to keep his Legacy alive; it’s not easy to be in debt; when he NEVER was in his life.

As you read this; I’m sure you can empathize with the harboring resentment and anger that I still have after all these years. It attacks me every day; especially when I’m operating his business on a shoestring budget and hanging on for dear life.

SO THIS IS WHAT I’VE LEARNED:

Resentments embody a basic choice to refuse to forgive, an unwillingness to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. We review and rehash our painful past, even as we profess to want to let go of it. We do so because we believe the illusion that by belaboring our resentment, we will somehow achieve the justice we believe we are due. We cling to a futile need to be “right,” which overrides the capacity to heal and be at peace with ourselves. We hang on to perceived offences because we don’t know any other way of coming to grips with painful feelings of hurt and abandonment. We need to learn to let go of resentment, because living with it can only bring us chronic punishment and pain, and prevent us from building up other relationships based on love, nurture, and support. Letting go of a resentment is not a gift to the person you resent. It is, rather, a gift to yourself.

Fortunately, there are ways to get out of resentment’s crippling grip. There are alternative, life-affirming, and healthy responses that will help you achieve freedom from obsessing about past injustices. There are choices you may not realize are available to you. How can you learn to get out from under these toxic feelings? Take the following suggestions to heart and you’ll be on your way.

10 Steps to Letting Go of Resentment

1. Approach resentment as the addictive state of mind it is.
2. Realize that you are using resentment to replicate old dramas and acknowledge that you cannot change the past.
3. Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life with people from your past.
4. Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have rejected you.
5. Recognize that your resentment gives you only illusions of strength. Instead, highlight and validate your real strength and power.
6. Learn to identify signals that provoke resentment. Apply the acronym HALT, widely used in 12-step programs: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.
7. Practice cognitive behavioral techniques to stop indulging in resentment. Put a thought between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them.
8. Acknowledge your part in allowing the abuse to occur, forgive yourself for that, and make a decision to not let it occur again.
9. Declare an amnesty with the person you resent and with yourself.
10. Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to the people you resent.

Remember: Your mind is like a magnifying glass. Whatever you focus on will expand. Do you want to focus on resentment, or forgiveness? Which one, do you believe, will ultimately make you feel (and live) better?

GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING

Stay tuned for Day 5 – “Lessons Learned”

Valerie

Michael Binder is what you would call a “movie aficionado” through and through. He’s probably watched just about every single movie you’ve ever heard of, twice. In fact, Binder loves movies so much that he’s managed to make a career writing about them and talking about them for his hundreds of followers. Got to hand it to the guy; he had a dream; and went after it with all the guns he had!

But when he saw the mega viral hit that featured a bunch of dance scenes from popular movies matched up to the incredibly popular song, “Uptown Funk,” he was instantly inspired to do a similar mashup, only he wanted to use dance scenes from movies that only came out of the Golden Age of cinema.

It took him a long while to find the perfect clips which properly conveyed the energy and passion, but after he scanned through hundreds and hundreds of movies from 1953 and earlier, he finally edited together an absolutely stunning video featuring some of our favorite dancers and singers.

It’s pretty amazing to watch legends like, Gene Kelly, Shirley Temple, Judy Garland, and Fred Astaire dance to one of the catchiest songs ever!

The amount of time it must have taken to edit this whole piece together is truly astounding. Not only did Binder have to be aware of the dance sequence in his head, but he had to time it properly with the music without speeding up or slowing down the original footage. HE WAS DETERMINED AND HE MADE IT HAPPEN!

In the end he created a video that is really fun to watch. He really put a lot of thought into this whole project, and just about everyone loves the final result! HE PUT HIS MIND TO IT AND JUST DID IT!

Who wouldn’t want to just DANCE….when you’ve watched this video? Somehow the words from the movie “Grease” came to my mind in an instant – “I got chills, they’re multiplying. And I’m losing control ‘Cause the power, you’re supplying. It’s electrifying!” And Grease was a perfect example of going after what you want; accomplishing; achieving; controlling; and being successful all in one swoop!

I’m forever hearing the comment “Just Do It”. There’s a lot of “risk” packaged into that one small statement.

And then the all too common answer would be – “What have you got to lose?” Another deep and powerful statement —

What does what have you got to lose? mean?
The meaning of “what have you got to lose?” is:

(idiom) you should take a risk, because things cannot get worse

Example Sentences:

A: Should I quit my job and start my own business?
B: I don’t know, do you like your current job?
A: No, I hate it.
B: Then what have you got to lose? I say you should do it!

A: I want to go talk to that girl, but I’m too shy.
B: You should do it, what could possibly go wrong?
A: I don’t know!
B: Come on, what have you got to lose?

Today I will leave you with 10 Awesome Quotes on Risk Taking that might just make us “Want to Dance” and hopefully will be a delightful inspiration for us all!

1. “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” — Goethe

2. “Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” — Helen Keller

3. “It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” — Seneca

4. “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far it is possible to go.” — T.S. Eliot

5. “What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it is another matter.” — Peter Drucker

6. “Go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” — Jimmy Carter

7. “I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” — Pablo Picasso

8. “Life is being on the wire, everything else is just waiting. — Karl Wallenda

9. “If things seem under control, you are just not going fast enough.” — Mario Andretti

10. “Don’t be afraid to take a big step. You can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.” — David Lloyd George

TAKE YOUR NEXT RISK AND READ MY POST FOR DAY 4 TOMORROW OF THIS BLOG CHALLENGE!!

Valerie

Let’s think about this for a minute – “Make the best of Everything in EVERY way”…. Essentially, that doesn’t mean that you’re always happy and everything is perfect. The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.

Happiness is something that we all seek. Every goal we set, every achievement we pursue, every relationship we engage in, and every journey we embark on is really just an attempt to feel happiness. Wouldn’t you agree?

All of us seek happiness, and it comes in various forms. However, our habits have a major impact on whether or not we experience happiness. I’m going to list 10 “Happiness Habits” that, if consistently practiced, will create a measurable difference in our lives. Even making an attempt at just one of them could drastically change the way we feel every day!

1. Align Our Goals With What We Really Value

Quickly ask yourself these questions: Are my goals authentic? Why do I want to achieve (for me – “some form of success so I can retire with a decent income”)? Do I truly value what I am pursuing?

If our core values are not properly aligned with our goals and daily actions, there will be inner conflict. It is difficult to sustain happiness with a perpetual sense of inner conflict. (And this is where I personally am right now). Our goals and actions need to be aligned with what we uniquely value as individuals. So if they aren’t aligned, we need to make a change today. Either set a new goal that is aligned with something we uniquely value, or stop pursuing something that has little intrinsic meaning. (I’m paying close attention here)

2. Visualize The Absolute Best Case Scenario

It is natural for us to envision “what could possibly go wrong” in a given situation. In many cases this actually isn’t a bad thing. It allows us to make peace with the “worst case scenario” and plan appropriately. However, it doesn’t get us excited. So if we feel so inclined to prepare for the worst, we should also have the habit of “seeing the best” as well. When we see the best, it gets us excited, and it provides us with a sense of hope, confidence and creativity. (I need to do this because I’ve nixed every idea and goal!)

3. Give Our Very Best In Everything We Do

Inner conflicts are often at the heart of our unhappiness. A great way to create an inner conflict is to give a half-hearted effort in what we are pursuing. We can’t always control our immediate circumstances. Things happen to us that are outside of our control, but we can control how we react to situations. We can control our actions, and we can control our attitude‒no matter what happens to us. When we live each moment of our life with a sense that we are always giving our best, we will feel at peace. We won’t have regrets, and no matter what happens to us we will hold our heads up high knowing that we did our best. This makes us happy.

4. Move Towards What Scares Us

Fear stops us from fulfillment. It also inhibits happiness. When we move towards what scares us, we achieve a powerful personal victory. It is the victory of the self over the self. When we achieve this victory we feel fulfilled, and we feel happy. Moving towards our fear also increases our complexity as individuals, and causes us to learn. Both of these are results that make us feel good. A habit of moving towards fear should be done in small, measurable steps. Are you afraid of public speaking? Don’t sign up for a TED talk quite yet (perhaps that will come later). Start first with a small venue. Expand your comfort zone a small step at a time. Over time (as this becomes a habit) you will be amazed at your growth, and one day when you stand on that TED stage, it will seem surreal, but you only get there one step at a time. One victory over fear at a time. Facing your fears is the ONLY way to get above them! “Fear” literally killed my mother – I know all about this – Don’t let it beat you!

5. Be Present. Live For Today

Living in the past can sometimes be nostalgic (and memorable), but it can also be painful and depressing. It is so easy to recall past mistakes and missteps (I don’t call them “mistakes” – I call them “learning curves”). It is so easy to dwell on failures and the things that we “should have done.” Living for the future can sometimes be exciting (if we are proficient at visualizing a compelling future), but it can also make us anxious (and scared) when we start to think about all the things we must do to make that future a reality. The solution to the dangers of past and future living is to live completely in the present. The present is all that we have anyway. When we live in the present, we experience flow. We do better work. We eliminate anxiety and we thwart fear.

6. Learn Something New

If we believe that learning leads to happiness, then we have an unlimited opportunity for an exciting and fulfilling life. There are literally limitless opportunities to learn. You can learn a new skill or a new language. You can learn strategies and tools that will help you to cultivate your existing talents and abilities. You can expand your knowledge of the world, and other cultures. You can live your entire life, immersed in learning related activities, and still never know it all. The reality is that learning does make us happy. It gives us confidence. You don’t need to go back to school to learn (although that can be fulfilling as well), just go to your preferred search engine, type some keywords of things that you’d like to learn and start reading. Build on what you know every day. (My father used to open a “real” dictionary and close his eyes and point – and the word he pointed to was the word he would use ALL day in many ways; just to expand his vocabulary!)

7. Exercise and Eat Healthy Foods

The better we eat, the better we’ll feel. The more we move, the better we’ll feel. This habit is also one that will create immediate results. Sometimes, when we are in a bad mood, or perhaps we’ve had a bad day at work, the solution is a simple one: get to the gym, go for a walk or run, get on the bike, or go for a swim. Whatever our preferred method is, the results are the same. We feel better after we exercise. (Works EVERY time for me!)

8. Detach From The Opinions of Others

Relationships bring meaning, purpose and richness to our lives. They also can be a significant source of pain and frustration if we become fixated on the opinions of others. The reality is that not everyone is going to like us. Sometimes, just by being ourselves, we unintentionally push people away, and if we try to change this (by being someone who we aren’t) we unintentionally push others away (who like our authentic version better). There is only one of us, and that is the person who we need to be 100% of the time‒the real, authentic self‒and if it means that not everyone likes us, so be it. We will be much happier over time if we live as who we really are, and detach from the opinions of others. (Sometimes the opinion of others – whether good or bad – can throw us into a direction we weren’t intending to go….and we become reliant on those opinions in order to function!) DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!

9. Detach From Results. Focus Only On Actions

This is a difficult one, but if we master it, it will change our lives. We pursue goals because we want a result, and there is nothing wrong with this. All of us do it. However, if we become completely fixated on the result, and fail to achieve it, then we may look at the endeavor as “wasted time.” We also may be so disappointed in not obtaining the result that we won’t see all of the growth that we experienced (this is especially true for me an all my goals that I nixed!). Some people feel that the saying “the journey is the destination” is simply a cliche, but if we truly live it, it is far more. When detaching from results‒and focusing only on our actions, on being present at each moment, and on giving the very best that we have‒becomes a habit, we have great possibilities for happiness. (I’m surely working on this one!)

10. Live Life As A Great Experiment

When we are kids, anything is possible. Life is one giant experiment and we are the great scientists. There are no failures. There is only feedback. We are willing to experiment and try just about anything that interests us. There are no limits. Unfortunately, for many of us, this enthusiasm, and willingness to experiment, fades with age. We get risk-adverse. We start worrying about failure, especially if that failure is visible (and could lead to criticism). We start doubting what is possible. We believe that we are being “practical” and “pragmatic” and we hypnotize ourselves to think that this is the grown-up way to act (Well that’s what all the media tells us with all their hype and “fear” talking!). However, it often doesn’t make us happy, and we’d be happier if we just retained the curiosity we had as a child. If we can capture the child-like innocence of treating life like a giant experiment, and we are the amateur scientists, then the world will remain a wonderful mystery, and we will constantly feel intrigued and happy. (I can’t wait! I’m always saying I’m just a “youngin” already!)